i don't know what to say, but suddenly i have a lot of thoughts in my head.

as human beings we'll always what what we can't have. i think that no matter where im at or what place & time i will be in my life, i'll jus keep questioning what would happen if i did this instead of that. if only i can be the kind of person who can enjoy the moment and just appreciate what i have. i know that a lot of the times i take the people around me for granted. my family, my friends, my boyfriend, even the opportunities that i have been so generously given. i am simply a complainer. i know that despite the fact that i am able to admit that i take things for granted, i will not change. that is simply human nature. i am the way i am.

if only time stood still

on the bus ride to & from philly, thoughts from the past kept resurfacing in my mind. philly brought back many good memories, some vague, some vivid. i miss that feeling of reminiscing the past because i rarely get the chance to do that now. as the images drifted to the front of my mind one by one, i couldnt help but smile at the idea of the person i used to be. the spontaneity of the events that happened, i miss. the thrill & excitement of living, i miss. being random & happy, i miss. i can't help but feel that i have somehow become less of the person i used to be. is this called maturation? or have i just lost a bit of myself in this time & space? there are moments, where i wish time can go backwards, and stand still at the time when i feel most happy and content. all the happy memories from the past feels so distant and incomplete. runnin to hug my dad when i was four, rubber band science fair project in 3rd grade, guy watchin at lincoln in 5th grade, violin playin in 7th grade, stayin up till mornin at harrison senior year...yet none of them seem complete. i can't remember all the details, nor can i recall all the emotions i felt that were attached to those moments. memory...it's such a tricky thing. we always say the thing with life is to have lived those happy moments & be able to remember them. but the truth is, how much can you actually remember? especially with the busy lives we lead as college students, moments where we are actually sitting down to reflect & recall these times are very rare. because of this, i especially enjoy traveling alone on long journeys. there is always something about those long car rides that helps me reminisce the past memories that i have. if only time stood still so i can soak myself in that sense of serinity i feel with these moments. it is just oh so wonderful. ok, now im back at harvard, time to pick classes. toodles.

the college life

i am finally done with all my papers. i've been workin non-stop for the past two weeks on nothing but papers. coming back from classes, then papers. coming back from practice, then papers. coming back from games, then paper. nothing but papers! i've had enough & im proud to say that i'm finally done! =)

i was just reading some other people's blogs, & i just realized what college has done to me. it's made me less of a critical thinker. despite the fact that i am at college a college like harvard, supposedly the leading institution in the world, i feel that i am very disconnected with reality. because we are in this college bubble, there is basically no contact with the outside world. & because there is such a limited access to tv on our campus, i don't find myself trying to catch up with the news or anything, just that single episode of gossip girl every week that has become a ritual. but besides that, life has become a routine. wake up, classes, eat practice, chill, fun, work. i am not as deep of a thinker as i once was. there is no time to actually sit down & reflect the life i am leading now. whereas at home i was able to just find time & sit in front of my computer and write out my feelings. here i find no time for that. don't get me wrong, it's great that time passes by so quick, but it makes me wonder, if i'm actually gona be able to enjoy myself in college before these four years run out and im forced to be my own independent person in the working world. this makes me question if the end of high school meant the end of carefreeness. honestly, i wish i can write more, but as of now, im very tired & drained. cant wait to be home & sleep in my own bed & do nothing but relax with the people i love. <3

What college does to you

For the first time in my life, i am drinking a cup of coffee, not for its taste, but to help me work through this justice paper i have due before 5PM today. I know i should probably be doing this paper right now. But i have half a page left so I'm allowing myself to slack a little, get distracted for a bit. College. For the first time in my life, i am working on homework in the library because i cannot allow myself to not be distracted from the things that are in my dorm. College has certainly brought many firsts.

so the above was when i was crazily trying to finish my justice paper before it was due.

college is a new experience. it's hard to be so far away from everyone i love. it's hard to find people who are similar to me in college. i miss my ghetto oakland. i miss the ghetto jokes. i miss ghetto people. lol. i hate the cold weather. moving from oakland to new england is a big cultural change. honestly i am still trying to adapt. im trying to find a place where i can be myself and feel comfortable with the people around me. i cant deny the fact that at times it does happen, when everything feels fine. but there are moments when i look around me & i ask myself what i am doing here. i cant shake the feeling that maybe i just don't belong. yes. i love having the name of harvard on my back. being able to say i'm from one of the best schools in the world. but in the end, i just want to be at a place where i can truly enjoy myself. i guess i just wish there were more poeple like me here. but in the end, i just have to suck it up, because harvard is harvard, everyone here is different.

Ninety more days

It's been two weeks since i've moved on to campus. It feels like an eternity already. So much has already happened. So far college has been alright. I cant deny the fact that i feel as thought i did not pick the right college. everyone here is so serious, so smart, so unlike me. at least i have not found people who likes to get silly like me yet. but of course it's only been two weeks. i just keep thinking what it would have been like if i had went to berkeley. yes i would be close to home but at least i get to see everyone i love. eventually i think i will start to love harvard. but for now i can not help but feel as though i don't fit in somehow. everyone here is nice. i love my roommates. i love the people i've met. but it still does not feel right. i really miss my boyfriend! i miss him so fuckin much. i want him to be here with me. i know he'd take such good care of me. i miss panda who would be silly with me all the time. i miss my family! i miss my mom's wonderful soup! i cant wait till these ninety days pass & i get to go home & see everyone i miss. i miss sushi house too man. lmao. so i feel as though all my free time is consumed here. theres class in the mornins. then theres practice mornings & nights. yesterday was the game. i was freezing my ass off in that dumb dumb cold football field in my lil cheer outfit. sighh. if i had gone to cal there woulda been more skoo spirit. kinda wished that i went there now. i just think cal would have fit my personality better, even though harvard is a more prestigious school. i don't know if i made the right choice. with harvard, im hoping id get a nice future without much work. im hoping i can jus graduate & get recruited for a nice lil job, retire early. but i don't know if i would have as much fun in the process of college as every other college student should have. i wanted to blog more, but all my thoughts are escaping me rite now, more later i guess.

Alone in boston

Ok, so maybe technically I'm not alone in Boston, there's family here, anna & mari is here, people i know here, but yet I feel that I am finally an independent individual. My mom left this morning at 6:30 for the airport, I went of course. It was hard seeing her leave, I wanted to cry, but I really didnt want to do it in front of my uncle, I knew that if I let my tears run down, I'd just start bawling right there at the airport. Everytime I think about my mom I feel sad, this is going to be the longest I've ever been away from her. I'm not exactly sure I will survive without her constantly nagging at me. I'm gona miss that. Last night I was talking to Danny, I felt so helpless because I know that there are problems going on right now with him, yet I'm so far away. When i had arguments with my mom this summer, he was always there for me, I wish i can do the same for him. If i was still home, I'd drive right to his house & give him a big old hug, but now that i'm in boston, I can't exactly jump on an airplane to fly back home & give him a kiss. I just wish i can be more of a support for him. I know what i can do is limited. It's been a week since i've moved to boston. I know that i made the right decision coming here, leaving everything behind, becuase I really am looking forward to moving in later today & starting college life here. I'm ready to be challenged. Hopefully I can meet up to all the difficulties ima face while i'm here. Just wanted to blog & say that I miss everyone home, PANDA, danny, & my family.

Goodbye.

So last night i was really touched when all of panda, danny, kevin , & leo were there to see me good bye. when we hugged one last time i just started tearing up & started crying, i couldnt help it. i was about to leave some of the best people i have ever met. the efforts you all made to see me off really meant a lot to me. the whole event was so heartfelt & warming. like abby said, it was like a movie-ending! i just felt so loved and i witnessed such true friendship. i cant wait till december comes & i get to see these best friends again! i watched those videos on the camera, they made me tear up on the airplane! then when i was in the airport checkin my laptop & i saw the post-its, i teared up again! when i saw all the girls crying, i couldnt help but cry as i walked down that path towards the boarding area. i was standing there crying & some lady walked up to me & asked me what was wrong. it has been a crazy couple of last weeks for me. when i saw my bestest friend nancy crying, i couldnt help and cry some more. because like she said, we really are best buddies, we tell each other every single thing. then i started thinking about what me & anh has went thru this summer, with all this boy drama & she was crying & that made me cry too. & despite the fact that me & abby arent that close, we are still so connected. yes, i will always have their backs. no matter what. for life. i cant wait till i get rich enough to get a mansion so all my favorite girls can live in it together too! that will be the life. i know what we have is true friendship, i cant deny that i did not doubt it before, but i know now that what we have is real. i love you guys so much!

i cant believe how close i've gotten to these skyline boys this summer: danny & kevin. i know we started out as just people who were connected because of whoever liking whoever. but then we really got to know each other & we got closer. then we started walking the lake together & eating at yummy guide together. im so glad that it all happened. because i gained two really good friends [one whos a wonderful boyfriend].

& i just wanted to say that danny has truly been an amazing boyfriend. no matter what he's doing, he always has me on his mind, always has my best interest in his heart. im so fortunate to have this bff/bf. even at the last minute he was praying for me & got me this cute buddha necklace to keep me safe. i <3 him so much!

this summer has been truly wonderful. i know that as panda, we will continue to have an amazing winter, summer & future together! i <3 yall!