Packing the past into my suitcases.

So at this moment, 10:50 PM, i should be packing. but sadly i STILL havent gotten around to doing it. i keep telling my mom i would do it, but so far i've only gotten less than 1/3 of one of my suitcases filled. honestly, i think the day is approaching a little too fast & the truth is that i don't want to pack. i don't want to try to fit all of my memories into some suitcases. i want to bring everyone that i love over to boston with me, so i can start college with them still there, no changes. the inevitable fact is that i will be leaving in three days. on sunday night, at 11:00 PM, i will be aboard an alaska airline flight, on my way to boston. in six minutes, i will officially have only three more days in oakland. i don't think i've ever had a more perfect time in life. what i mean is that, right now, i feel that i have everything i need. family, wonderful close friends, & the boyfriend. i feel as if im living the life that i've always wanted, but a little too late. because all this will be a memory in three days. change is something that i cannot avoid. it is only with change that we grow and learn and all that stuff that educates us a little more so we can get ahead & the best in life. im not even really sure what i want to say right now. i guess, i'm just really happy the way things are right now, just wish that summer was a little longer. i guess its time to really start thinking about this future date, aug. 31st, thats looming upon me. yes. it's officially time to start packing.

I'm sorry that i'm stubborn.

today i just feel like blogging about my mom. i love her so much. i have so much respect for her. i honestly dont think i can have what i have today if she hasnt been there for me all these years. i really appreciate all that she's done for me. im just so sad that things havent been that great between us. i know it's so cliche to say that my mom is my best friend. but honestly, i think that my mom is one of my best friends. when we're not arguing, we can talk about anything in the world. well everything but boys. i really miss those times. recently we've been arguing so much and been on such bad terms. i understand that she wants me home. but the truth is that we don't even do much when i'm home. she watches her tv and im on my internet. instead of doing that, id rather go out and hang out with my friends because it's my last week here. i just wish she would sit down and listen to me. listen to all that i have to say, instead of assuming stuff about me. lately, i just feel that she's been assuming where i am, who im with, what im doing. she doesnt even bother askin me anymore because she's not talking to me. all because i brought my laptop with me to napa. it really was not a big deal. but she just had to be stubborn. & i was stubborn too. i coulda just left my laptop at home, but i had to get the last word. sometimes i just want to say sorry to her. sorry for making her sad & mad. now she's mad at me & wont talk to me. yet the funny thing is, she still yells at me for going out. she doesnt bother talking to me, when i talk to her she ignores me, & then when i come home she yells at me. why bother yelling when you don't even care enough to talk to me anymore? sometimes i just feel so awful. i know im not doing anything wrong. i just want to hang out with my friends before i leave again. i know that my family will always love me, and that nothing will ever change with them. yet friends come and go. i just want to enjoy whatever i have left with friends, because i honestly don't know what would happen in three months. but i know my family will always be there for me, maybe thats why i don't feel that big of a need to be home as much this last week. but that does not mean i love them any less. but i wish she would just sit down and listen to what i have to say, why i am the way i am, instead of not talking to me. i have so much to say, but im not sure if im making sense. i just wish that my mom can believe in me, believe that i can make my own decisions, believe that i know better than to let a relationship get the best of me. i wish she can trust that im making the right choices. i also wish that we werent both so stubborn. because when we fight we don't back down & we always just end up sayin really mean things to each other that i know we dont mean. i wish we both werent so hard headed & short tempered. i don't know what im trying to say. i know my mom loves me & that i love her very much. i know that she wants the best for me & in the end, when i graduate and find a good job, i want her to have the best of everything. i just wish she would know that i love her so much. i wish that i can have the courage to say that to her. i wish she can stop worrying about me. its like the dey's she said lyrics:

Twelve hours on her feet
And she worked like a slave
She didn't make a lot of money
But the bills got paid
Every day she dealt with pain
And I've never seen her cry
And no matter how much it hurt
It was her only way to survive

And I'll never forget
What you've done for me
And I'll do my best
To make you proud of me

She said:
Girl I just want you to have
A better life than me
She said:
Get a good job
So you can raise a family
(That's right)
She said:
I'm not the kind of people
You look up to
But I don't think you understand..
I want to be just like you.

I can never figure out
How we made it through
She did it by herself
And had no one to come home to
Still she lived her life
And prayed at night
To make it through another day
And even when I saw
The pain in her eyes
She tells me everything's OK

those lyrics really just literally described my mom. that was her, being the main provider for the family, workin hard, havin a bad life, yet still there for us. i have so much respect for all that she's done. i want her to know that, yet things have been so bad between us that i cant. it just makes me so sad. i don't want things to be like this at all. i just want us to be ok again. cuz i love my mom so damn much. =[

One week from now...

so in one week from now. i'll be on the plane, leaving oakland for boston. august 31st. i have mixed feelings about this upcoming flight. im so excited to meet new people and live out this dream of mine that i've had since i was in 5th grade. [it's always been my dream to get into harvard. just never thought that it'd happen.] on the other hand i am afraid. im frightened by the idea of moving to the other side of the country and leaving everything that i am so familiar with behind. i've had such a great summer and met so many new & fantastic people. it's hard to say goodbye. anyways, i've been really emotional lately. i think since the night of danny's party, i've cried at least once every day, if not more than once. lmao. i've never been THIS emotional. there are some people i havent seen in ages. im really happy that i saw my girls today. i honestly cannot wait to chill with them tomorrow. sometimes im afraid that im gona forget all that i have here in oakland. i love my family, panda & my boyfriend. these are the poeple i dont ever want to forget. i already have some ideas as to how im gona remind myself of all that i have here in oakland. i really hope it works out. it really scares me that im so focused on being into the moment. because at times i forget about the things that i do have. im afraid that when i go to harvard, im gona enjoy myself too much & forget home. i hope that never happens.

so last night me & danny kinda had some problems. he got me really pissed off when he kept me waiting for so long at the streetfest. & then later on at night he pissed me off because he wouldnt tell me what was on his mind even though it was so obvious he was bothered by something. then he told me what was wrong when i got really mad at him & stormed off. then we had a talk & we both got really emotional. he said some stuff that really touched my heart. im really glad that we can be so straight forward with each other. i do <3 him very much. =)

This is for you.

summer is unfortunately coming to an end. & while that is happening there is just one thing thats floating on my mind: how everything will be different when i come back this winter. with my girls & with him. everything that happened this summer was not how i expected it to be. i cant deny that i am happy with the way things are with him now. but this is not the ending i had in my mind from the start. im not sure if this is the ending that i want either. this summer began with me believing that i can leave everything in oakland behind and start a new life in boston. i thought that i can be extremely care free when i leave. i thought that i wouldnt have any baggage left in my life. i thought i could leave my family & friends here. i thot that i can finally just do things for myself for once. but as summer is closing in on me & the days i have in oakland becomes more & more limited. i realized how much i will miss my PANDA girls. & how much i will miss this unexpected boyfriend. i think it really dawned on me last night how i will be leaving in a week. i started reminiscing all the moments we had this summer & i regretted how i did not have the badly needed disposable camera to capture all those times we had together. i have to admit that i was so focused on having fun in the moment that i forgot about keeping some of these times for flashback.

anyways, back to why i'm writing this blog. i wanted you to know that i really treasure our friendship. i understand that our relationship is a bit strained right now and that it's hard for you to be around me when im with him or even just to be around me when im by myself. & im sorry that it's that way. i promise you that i will never be a sophia. i will never back away from our friendship for a guy. i know that you are feeling like im not telling you how im feeling or how i'm doing with danny, but you have to understand that it's hard for me. you want me to tell you how things are so you can move on, but the truth is im afraid that it would hurt you. tonight i told you what i was worried about, what i was afraid of, and then i felt that it ruined our conversation. because you didnt seem happy when you signed off. im trying my best to be comfortable around you when im with him. i really thought i achieved that. but in the end i started tripping when you told me about the story. i guess im not completely over it yet. but im trying my best. it bothered me that it bothered you that it bothered me. lmao. you get what i mean? at this point and moment i cant tell you everything thats going on because i dont want what happend tonight to repeat itself. i dont want to upset you. i think we just have to take it slowly.

at times i wish that things didnt turn out the way they did. because this summer i was prepared to be heart broken, prepared to wish yall the best of luck, prepared to leave everything behind & get a cute white rich boyfriend ;). i was hoping & wishing that you guys were gona get together AFTER i leave for harvard. but then things didnt turn out that way. at the time when i thought you guys had the most chance of getting together you decided that you didnt like him. this whole summer i was content with being his best friend. just happy that he included me in his guy activities. i really felt like one of the guys. i never thought that he would like me. and then he did. & i was shocked. & also happy. but a couple days after you told me that you actually did like him and that you realized it afterwards. i felt crushed. i was really insecure about our relationship. i wasnt sure if we could make it past one week. then we did. & so much has happened. honestly, i am happy now. you said you are happy that i finally found someone i can officially be happy with. i am too. he has done so much to prove to me that he does like me. he makes me feel really special. in the beginning i really questioned whether i was his rebound girl. but now i know that i'm not. it's different because we're best friends. i never planned for any of this to happen. i wanted to get to know him better as a friend. but i didnt expect to be so comfortable with him or anything. im sorry that i tripped tonight for a minute. but it's bound to happen because jealousy is a natural feeling. i understand that you feel that we're not spending that much time together. i feel that way too. i just wish we can all hang out together, PANDA + the skyline guys. but i know its hard. especially with our triangular thing going on.

im going to try my hardest to be a part of PANDA while im away. because like ive said to you, i dont want our friendship to change. i cherish the bond us girls have together. it really is a very rare one. i suck at keeping in touch. i cant deny it. i even told danny that im worried about how we're going to keep our relationship together while im away. i dont really like webcamming, but for my girls i will do that. i don't really talk on aim THAT much. but for my girls i will. i will try my best to f.u.c.k.i.t. [friends usually can keep in touch] i jus hope that when i come back this winter things wont change too much and it wont change for the worst. i pray that like all those bumper stickers said, "true friendship isnt about being inseparable, it's about being separated and nothing changes," that our friendship can last. cuz i really do <3 PANDA.