This is for you.

summer is unfortunately coming to an end. & while that is happening there is just one thing thats floating on my mind: how everything will be different when i come back this winter. with my girls & with him. everything that happened this summer was not how i expected it to be. i cant deny that i am happy with the way things are with him now. but this is not the ending i had in my mind from the start. im not sure if this is the ending that i want either. this summer began with me believing that i can leave everything in oakland behind and start a new life in boston. i thought that i can be extremely care free when i leave. i thought that i wouldnt have any baggage left in my life. i thought i could leave my family & friends here. i thot that i can finally just do things for myself for once. but as summer is closing in on me & the days i have in oakland becomes more & more limited. i realized how much i will miss my PANDA girls. & how much i will miss this unexpected boyfriend. i think it really dawned on me last night how i will be leaving in a week. i started reminiscing all the moments we had this summer & i regretted how i did not have the badly needed disposable camera to capture all those times we had together. i have to admit that i was so focused on having fun in the moment that i forgot about keeping some of these times for flashback.

anyways, back to why i'm writing this blog. i wanted you to know that i really treasure our friendship. i understand that our relationship is a bit strained right now and that it's hard for you to be around me when im with him or even just to be around me when im by myself. & im sorry that it's that way. i promise you that i will never be a sophia. i will never back away from our friendship for a guy. i know that you are feeling like im not telling you how im feeling or how i'm doing with danny, but you have to understand that it's hard for me. you want me to tell you how things are so you can move on, but the truth is im afraid that it would hurt you. tonight i told you what i was worried about, what i was afraid of, and then i felt that it ruined our conversation. because you didnt seem happy when you signed off. im trying my best to be comfortable around you when im with him. i really thought i achieved that. but in the end i started tripping when you told me about the story. i guess im not completely over it yet. but im trying my best. it bothered me that it bothered you that it bothered me. lmao. you get what i mean? at this point and moment i cant tell you everything thats going on because i dont want what happend tonight to repeat itself. i dont want to upset you. i think we just have to take it slowly.

at times i wish that things didnt turn out the way they did. because this summer i was prepared to be heart broken, prepared to wish yall the best of luck, prepared to leave everything behind & get a cute white rich boyfriend ;). i was hoping & wishing that you guys were gona get together AFTER i leave for harvard. but then things didnt turn out that way. at the time when i thought you guys had the most chance of getting together you decided that you didnt like him. this whole summer i was content with being his best friend. just happy that he included me in his guy activities. i really felt like one of the guys. i never thought that he would like me. and then he did. & i was shocked. & also happy. but a couple days after you told me that you actually did like him and that you realized it afterwards. i felt crushed. i was really insecure about our relationship. i wasnt sure if we could make it past one week. then we did. & so much has happened. honestly, i am happy now. you said you are happy that i finally found someone i can officially be happy with. i am too. he has done so much to prove to me that he does like me. he makes me feel really special. in the beginning i really questioned whether i was his rebound girl. but now i know that i'm not. it's different because we're best friends. i never planned for any of this to happen. i wanted to get to know him better as a friend. but i didnt expect to be so comfortable with him or anything. im sorry that i tripped tonight for a minute. but it's bound to happen because jealousy is a natural feeling. i understand that you feel that we're not spending that much time together. i feel that way too. i just wish we can all hang out together, PANDA + the skyline guys. but i know its hard. especially with our triangular thing going on.

im going to try my hardest to be a part of PANDA while im away. because like ive said to you, i dont want our friendship to change. i cherish the bond us girls have together. it really is a very rare one. i suck at keeping in touch. i cant deny it. i even told danny that im worried about how we're going to keep our relationship together while im away. i dont really like webcamming, but for my girls i will do that. i don't really talk on aim THAT much. but for my girls i will. i will try my best to f.u.c.k.i.t. [friends usually can keep in touch] i jus hope that when i come back this winter things wont change too much and it wont change for the worst. i pray that like all those bumper stickers said, "true friendship isnt about being inseparable, it's about being separated and nothing changes," that our friendship can last. cuz i really do <3 PANDA.