I'm sorry that i'm stubborn.

today i just feel like blogging about my mom. i love her so much. i have so much respect for her. i honestly dont think i can have what i have today if she hasnt been there for me all these years. i really appreciate all that she's done for me. im just so sad that things havent been that great between us. i know it's so cliche to say that my mom is my best friend. but honestly, i think that my mom is one of my best friends. when we're not arguing, we can talk about anything in the world. well everything but boys. i really miss those times. recently we've been arguing so much and been on such bad terms. i understand that she wants me home. but the truth is that we don't even do much when i'm home. she watches her tv and im on my internet. instead of doing that, id rather go out and hang out with my friends because it's my last week here. i just wish she would sit down and listen to me. listen to all that i have to say, instead of assuming stuff about me. lately, i just feel that she's been assuming where i am, who im with, what im doing. she doesnt even bother askin me anymore because she's not talking to me. all because i brought my laptop with me to napa. it really was not a big deal. but she just had to be stubborn. & i was stubborn too. i coulda just left my laptop at home, but i had to get the last word. sometimes i just want to say sorry to her. sorry for making her sad & mad. now she's mad at me & wont talk to me. yet the funny thing is, she still yells at me for going out. she doesnt bother talking to me, when i talk to her she ignores me, & then when i come home she yells at me. why bother yelling when you don't even care enough to talk to me anymore? sometimes i just feel so awful. i know im not doing anything wrong. i just want to hang out with my friends before i leave again. i know that my family will always love me, and that nothing will ever change with them. yet friends come and go. i just want to enjoy whatever i have left with friends, because i honestly don't know what would happen in three months. but i know my family will always be there for me, maybe thats why i don't feel that big of a need to be home as much this last week. but that does not mean i love them any less. but i wish she would just sit down and listen to what i have to say, why i am the way i am, instead of not talking to me. i have so much to say, but im not sure if im making sense. i just wish that my mom can believe in me, believe that i can make my own decisions, believe that i know better than to let a relationship get the best of me. i wish she can trust that im making the right choices. i also wish that we werent both so stubborn. because when we fight we don't back down & we always just end up sayin really mean things to each other that i know we dont mean. i wish we both werent so hard headed & short tempered. i don't know what im trying to say. i know my mom loves me & that i love her very much. i know that she wants the best for me & in the end, when i graduate and find a good job, i want her to have the best of everything. i just wish she would know that i love her so much. i wish that i can have the courage to say that to her. i wish she can stop worrying about me. its like the dey's she said lyrics:

Twelve hours on her feet
And she worked like a slave
She didn't make a lot of money
But the bills got paid
Every day she dealt with pain
And I've never seen her cry
And no matter how much it hurt
It was her only way to survive

And I'll never forget
What you've done for me
And I'll do my best
To make you proud of me

She said:
Girl I just want you to have
A better life than me
She said:
Get a good job
So you can raise a family
(That's right)
She said:
I'm not the kind of people
You look up to
But I don't think you understand..
I want to be just like you.

I can never figure out
How we made it through
She did it by herself
And had no one to come home to
Still she lived her life
And prayed at night
To make it through another day
And even when I saw
The pain in her eyes
She tells me everything's OK

those lyrics really just literally described my mom. that was her, being the main provider for the family, workin hard, havin a bad life, yet still there for us. i have so much respect for all that she's done. i want her to know that, yet things have been so bad between us that i cant. it just makes me so sad. i don't want things to be like this at all. i just want us to be ok again. cuz i love my mom so damn much. =[