the college life

i am finally done with all my papers. i've been workin non-stop for the past two weeks on nothing but papers. coming back from classes, then papers. coming back from practice, then papers. coming back from games, then paper. nothing but papers! i've had enough & im proud to say that i'm finally done! =)

i was just reading some other people's blogs, & i just realized what college has done to me. it's made me less of a critical thinker. despite the fact that i am at college a college like harvard, supposedly the leading institution in the world, i feel that i am very disconnected with reality. because we are in this college bubble, there is basically no contact with the outside world. & because there is such a limited access to tv on our campus, i don't find myself trying to catch up with the news or anything, just that single episode of gossip girl every week that has become a ritual. but besides that, life has become a routine. wake up, classes, eat practice, chill, fun, work. i am not as deep of a thinker as i once was. there is no time to actually sit down & reflect the life i am leading now. whereas at home i was able to just find time & sit in front of my computer and write out my feelings. here i find no time for that. don't get me wrong, it's great that time passes by so quick, but it makes me wonder, if i'm actually gona be able to enjoy myself in college before these four years run out and im forced to be my own independent person in the working world. this makes me question if the end of high school meant the end of carefreeness. honestly, i wish i can write more, but as of now, im very tired & drained. cant wait to be home & sleep in my own bed & do nothing but relax with the people i love. <3

What college does to you

For the first time in my life, i am drinking a cup of coffee, not for its taste, but to help me work through this justice paper i have due before 5PM today. I know i should probably be doing this paper right now. But i have half a page left so I'm allowing myself to slack a little, get distracted for a bit. College. For the first time in my life, i am working on homework in the library because i cannot allow myself to not be distracted from the things that are in my dorm. College has certainly brought many firsts.

so the above was when i was crazily trying to finish my justice paper before it was due.

college is a new experience. it's hard to be so far away from everyone i love. it's hard to find people who are similar to me in college. i miss my ghetto oakland. i miss the ghetto jokes. i miss ghetto people. lol. i hate the cold weather. moving from oakland to new england is a big cultural change. honestly i am still trying to adapt. im trying to find a place where i can be myself and feel comfortable with the people around me. i cant deny the fact that at times it does happen, when everything feels fine. but there are moments when i look around me & i ask myself what i am doing here. i cant shake the feeling that maybe i just don't belong. yes. i love having the name of harvard on my back. being able to say i'm from one of the best schools in the world. but in the end, i just want to be at a place where i can truly enjoy myself. i guess i just wish there were more poeple like me here. but in the end, i just have to suck it up, because harvard is harvard, everyone here is different.

Ninety more days

It's been two weeks since i've moved on to campus. It feels like an eternity already. So much has already happened. So far college has been alright. I cant deny the fact that i feel as thought i did not pick the right college. everyone here is so serious, so smart, so unlike me. at least i have not found people who likes to get silly like me yet. but of course it's only been two weeks. i just keep thinking what it would have been like if i had went to berkeley. yes i would be close to home but at least i get to see everyone i love. eventually i think i will start to love harvard. but for now i can not help but feel as though i don't fit in somehow. everyone here is nice. i love my roommates. i love the people i've met. but it still does not feel right. i really miss my boyfriend! i miss him so fuckin much. i want him to be here with me. i know he'd take such good care of me. i miss panda who would be silly with me all the time. i miss my family! i miss my mom's wonderful soup! i cant wait till these ninety days pass & i get to go home & see everyone i miss. i miss sushi house too man. lmao. so i feel as though all my free time is consumed here. theres class in the mornins. then theres practice mornings & nights. yesterday was the game. i was freezing my ass off in that dumb dumb cold football field in my lil cheer outfit. sighh. if i had gone to cal there woulda been more skoo spirit. kinda wished that i went there now. i just think cal would have fit my personality better, even though harvard is a more prestigious school. i don't know if i made the right choice. with harvard, im hoping id get a nice future without much work. im hoping i can jus graduate & get recruited for a nice lil job, retire early. but i don't know if i would have as much fun in the process of college as every other college student should have. i wanted to blog more, but all my thoughts are escaping me rite now, more later i guess.

Alone in boston

Ok, so maybe technically I'm not alone in Boston, there's family here, anna & mari is here, people i know here, but yet I feel that I am finally an independent individual. My mom left this morning at 6:30 for the airport, I went of course. It was hard seeing her leave, I wanted to cry, but I really didnt want to do it in front of my uncle, I knew that if I let my tears run down, I'd just start bawling right there at the airport. Everytime I think about my mom I feel sad, this is going to be the longest I've ever been away from her. I'm not exactly sure I will survive without her constantly nagging at me. I'm gona miss that. Last night I was talking to Danny, I felt so helpless because I know that there are problems going on right now with him, yet I'm so far away. When i had arguments with my mom this summer, he was always there for me, I wish i can do the same for him. If i was still home, I'd drive right to his house & give him a big old hug, but now that i'm in boston, I can't exactly jump on an airplane to fly back home & give him a kiss. I just wish i can be more of a support for him. I know what i can do is limited. It's been a week since i've moved to boston. I know that i made the right decision coming here, leaving everything behind, becuase I really am looking forward to moving in later today & starting college life here. I'm ready to be challenged. Hopefully I can meet up to all the difficulties ima face while i'm here. Just wanted to blog & say that I miss everyone home, PANDA, danny, & my family.

Goodbye.

So last night i was really touched when all of panda, danny, kevin , & leo were there to see me good bye. when we hugged one last time i just started tearing up & started crying, i couldnt help it. i was about to leave some of the best people i have ever met. the efforts you all made to see me off really meant a lot to me. the whole event was so heartfelt & warming. like abby said, it was like a movie-ending! i just felt so loved and i witnessed such true friendship. i cant wait till december comes & i get to see these best friends again! i watched those videos on the camera, they made me tear up on the airplane! then when i was in the airport checkin my laptop & i saw the post-its, i teared up again! when i saw all the girls crying, i couldnt help but cry as i walked down that path towards the boarding area. i was standing there crying & some lady walked up to me & asked me what was wrong. it has been a crazy couple of last weeks for me. when i saw my bestest friend nancy crying, i couldnt help and cry some more. because like she said, we really are best buddies, we tell each other every single thing. then i started thinking about what me & anh has went thru this summer, with all this boy drama & she was crying & that made me cry too. & despite the fact that me & abby arent that close, we are still so connected. yes, i will always have their backs. no matter what. for life. i cant wait till i get rich enough to get a mansion so all my favorite girls can live in it together too! that will be the life. i know what we have is true friendship, i cant deny that i did not doubt it before, but i know now that what we have is real. i love you guys so much!

i cant believe how close i've gotten to these skyline boys this summer: danny & kevin. i know we started out as just people who were connected because of whoever liking whoever. but then we really got to know each other & we got closer. then we started walking the lake together & eating at yummy guide together. im so glad that it all happened. because i gained two really good friends [one whos a wonderful boyfriend].

& i just wanted to say that danny has truly been an amazing boyfriend. no matter what he's doing, he always has me on his mind, always has my best interest in his heart. im so fortunate to have this bff/bf. even at the last minute he was praying for me & got me this cute buddha necklace to keep me safe. i <3 him so much!

this summer has been truly wonderful. i know that as panda, we will continue to have an amazing winter, summer & future together! i <3 yall!

Packing the past into my suitcases.

So at this moment, 10:50 PM, i should be packing. but sadly i STILL havent gotten around to doing it. i keep telling my mom i would do it, but so far i've only gotten less than 1/3 of one of my suitcases filled. honestly, i think the day is approaching a little too fast & the truth is that i don't want to pack. i don't want to try to fit all of my memories into some suitcases. i want to bring everyone that i love over to boston with me, so i can start college with them still there, no changes. the inevitable fact is that i will be leaving in three days. on sunday night, at 11:00 PM, i will be aboard an alaska airline flight, on my way to boston. in six minutes, i will officially have only three more days in oakland. i don't think i've ever had a more perfect time in life. what i mean is that, right now, i feel that i have everything i need. family, wonderful close friends, & the boyfriend. i feel as if im living the life that i've always wanted, but a little too late. because all this will be a memory in three days. change is something that i cannot avoid. it is only with change that we grow and learn and all that stuff that educates us a little more so we can get ahead & the best in life. im not even really sure what i want to say right now. i guess, i'm just really happy the way things are right now, just wish that summer was a little longer. i guess its time to really start thinking about this future date, aug. 31st, thats looming upon me. yes. it's officially time to start packing.

I'm sorry that i'm stubborn.

today i just feel like blogging about my mom. i love her so much. i have so much respect for her. i honestly dont think i can have what i have today if she hasnt been there for me all these years. i really appreciate all that she's done for me. im just so sad that things havent been that great between us. i know it's so cliche to say that my mom is my best friend. but honestly, i think that my mom is one of my best friends. when we're not arguing, we can talk about anything in the world. well everything but boys. i really miss those times. recently we've been arguing so much and been on such bad terms. i understand that she wants me home. but the truth is that we don't even do much when i'm home. she watches her tv and im on my internet. instead of doing that, id rather go out and hang out with my friends because it's my last week here. i just wish she would sit down and listen to me. listen to all that i have to say, instead of assuming stuff about me. lately, i just feel that she's been assuming where i am, who im with, what im doing. she doesnt even bother askin me anymore because she's not talking to me. all because i brought my laptop with me to napa. it really was not a big deal. but she just had to be stubborn. & i was stubborn too. i coulda just left my laptop at home, but i had to get the last word. sometimes i just want to say sorry to her. sorry for making her sad & mad. now she's mad at me & wont talk to me. yet the funny thing is, she still yells at me for going out. she doesnt bother talking to me, when i talk to her she ignores me, & then when i come home she yells at me. why bother yelling when you don't even care enough to talk to me anymore? sometimes i just feel so awful. i know im not doing anything wrong. i just want to hang out with my friends before i leave again. i know that my family will always love me, and that nothing will ever change with them. yet friends come and go. i just want to enjoy whatever i have left with friends, because i honestly don't know what would happen in three months. but i know my family will always be there for me, maybe thats why i don't feel that big of a need to be home as much this last week. but that does not mean i love them any less. but i wish she would just sit down and listen to what i have to say, why i am the way i am, instead of not talking to me. i have so much to say, but im not sure if im making sense. i just wish that my mom can believe in me, believe that i can make my own decisions, believe that i know better than to let a relationship get the best of me. i wish she can trust that im making the right choices. i also wish that we werent both so stubborn. because when we fight we don't back down & we always just end up sayin really mean things to each other that i know we dont mean. i wish we both werent so hard headed & short tempered. i don't know what im trying to say. i know my mom loves me & that i love her very much. i know that she wants the best for me & in the end, when i graduate and find a good job, i want her to have the best of everything. i just wish she would know that i love her so much. i wish that i can have the courage to say that to her. i wish she can stop worrying about me. its like the dey's she said lyrics:

Twelve hours on her feet
And she worked like a slave
She didn't make a lot of money
But the bills got paid
Every day she dealt with pain
And I've never seen her cry
And no matter how much it hurt
It was her only way to survive

And I'll never forget
What you've done for me
And I'll do my best
To make you proud of me

She said:
Girl I just want you to have
A better life than me
She said:
Get a good job
So you can raise a family
(That's right)
She said:
I'm not the kind of people
You look up to
But I don't think you understand..
I want to be just like you.

I can never figure out
How we made it through
She did it by herself
And had no one to come home to
Still she lived her life
And prayed at night
To make it through another day
And even when I saw
The pain in her eyes
She tells me everything's OK

those lyrics really just literally described my mom. that was her, being the main provider for the family, workin hard, havin a bad life, yet still there for us. i have so much respect for all that she's done. i want her to know that, yet things have been so bad between us that i cant. it just makes me so sad. i don't want things to be like this at all. i just want us to be ok again. cuz i love my mom so damn much. =[

One week from now...

so in one week from now. i'll be on the plane, leaving oakland for boston. august 31st. i have mixed feelings about this upcoming flight. im so excited to meet new people and live out this dream of mine that i've had since i was in 5th grade. [it's always been my dream to get into harvard. just never thought that it'd happen.] on the other hand i am afraid. im frightened by the idea of moving to the other side of the country and leaving everything that i am so familiar with behind. i've had such a great summer and met so many new & fantastic people. it's hard to say goodbye. anyways, i've been really emotional lately. i think since the night of danny's party, i've cried at least once every day, if not more than once. lmao. i've never been THIS emotional. there are some people i havent seen in ages. im really happy that i saw my girls today. i honestly cannot wait to chill with them tomorrow. sometimes im afraid that im gona forget all that i have here in oakland. i love my family, panda & my boyfriend. these are the poeple i dont ever want to forget. i already have some ideas as to how im gona remind myself of all that i have here in oakland. i really hope it works out. it really scares me that im so focused on being into the moment. because at times i forget about the things that i do have. im afraid that when i go to harvard, im gona enjoy myself too much & forget home. i hope that never happens.

so last night me & danny kinda had some problems. he got me really pissed off when he kept me waiting for so long at the streetfest. & then later on at night he pissed me off because he wouldnt tell me what was on his mind even though it was so obvious he was bothered by something. then he told me what was wrong when i got really mad at him & stormed off. then we had a talk & we both got really emotional. he said some stuff that really touched my heart. im really glad that we can be so straight forward with each other. i do <3 him very much. =)

This is for you.

summer is unfortunately coming to an end. & while that is happening there is just one thing thats floating on my mind: how everything will be different when i come back this winter. with my girls & with him. everything that happened this summer was not how i expected it to be. i cant deny that i am happy with the way things are with him now. but this is not the ending i had in my mind from the start. im not sure if this is the ending that i want either. this summer began with me believing that i can leave everything in oakland behind and start a new life in boston. i thought that i can be extremely care free when i leave. i thought that i wouldnt have any baggage left in my life. i thought i could leave my family & friends here. i thot that i can finally just do things for myself for once. but as summer is closing in on me & the days i have in oakland becomes more & more limited. i realized how much i will miss my PANDA girls. & how much i will miss this unexpected boyfriend. i think it really dawned on me last night how i will be leaving in a week. i started reminiscing all the moments we had this summer & i regretted how i did not have the badly needed disposable camera to capture all those times we had together. i have to admit that i was so focused on having fun in the moment that i forgot about keeping some of these times for flashback.

anyways, back to why i'm writing this blog. i wanted you to know that i really treasure our friendship. i understand that our relationship is a bit strained right now and that it's hard for you to be around me when im with him or even just to be around me when im by myself. & im sorry that it's that way. i promise you that i will never be a sophia. i will never back away from our friendship for a guy. i know that you are feeling like im not telling you how im feeling or how i'm doing with danny, but you have to understand that it's hard for me. you want me to tell you how things are so you can move on, but the truth is im afraid that it would hurt you. tonight i told you what i was worried about, what i was afraid of, and then i felt that it ruined our conversation. because you didnt seem happy when you signed off. im trying my best to be comfortable around you when im with him. i really thought i achieved that. but in the end i started tripping when you told me about the story. i guess im not completely over it yet. but im trying my best. it bothered me that it bothered you that it bothered me. lmao. you get what i mean? at this point and moment i cant tell you everything thats going on because i dont want what happend tonight to repeat itself. i dont want to upset you. i think we just have to take it slowly.

at times i wish that things didnt turn out the way they did. because this summer i was prepared to be heart broken, prepared to wish yall the best of luck, prepared to leave everything behind & get a cute white rich boyfriend ;). i was hoping & wishing that you guys were gona get together AFTER i leave for harvard. but then things didnt turn out that way. at the time when i thought you guys had the most chance of getting together you decided that you didnt like him. this whole summer i was content with being his best friend. just happy that he included me in his guy activities. i really felt like one of the guys. i never thought that he would like me. and then he did. & i was shocked. & also happy. but a couple days after you told me that you actually did like him and that you realized it afterwards. i felt crushed. i was really insecure about our relationship. i wasnt sure if we could make it past one week. then we did. & so much has happened. honestly, i am happy now. you said you are happy that i finally found someone i can officially be happy with. i am too. he has done so much to prove to me that he does like me. he makes me feel really special. in the beginning i really questioned whether i was his rebound girl. but now i know that i'm not. it's different because we're best friends. i never planned for any of this to happen. i wanted to get to know him better as a friend. but i didnt expect to be so comfortable with him or anything. im sorry that i tripped tonight for a minute. but it's bound to happen because jealousy is a natural feeling. i understand that you feel that we're not spending that much time together. i feel that way too. i just wish we can all hang out together, PANDA + the skyline guys. but i know its hard. especially with our triangular thing going on.

im going to try my hardest to be a part of PANDA while im away. because like ive said to you, i dont want our friendship to change. i cherish the bond us girls have together. it really is a very rare one. i suck at keeping in touch. i cant deny it. i even told danny that im worried about how we're going to keep our relationship together while im away. i dont really like webcamming, but for my girls i will do that. i don't really talk on aim THAT much. but for my girls i will. i will try my best to f.u.c.k.i.t. [friends usually can keep in touch] i jus hope that when i come back this winter things wont change too much and it wont change for the worst. i pray that like all those bumper stickers said, "true friendship isnt about being inseparable, it's about being separated and nothing changes," that our friendship can last. cuz i really do <3 PANDA.